7 Risk-Free Ways to be a Bad Boy

Everybody loves a bad boy. Whether it be James Dean, Robert Downey Jr., or Kim Jong-Un, we just can't stay away from mysterious guys with an aura of danger. There's just something about that laid-back attitude or rapidly developing nuclear weapon program that people simply can't resist. And admit it, you've tried to replicate their success. Did you buy a motorcycle? Get a tattoo? Read this wikihow article? You're seriously pathetic.
But in this modern age, being a traditional bad boy is pretty risky. Motorcycles cause 4,612 fatalities per year, tattoos hurt like hell, and everybody knows that bad boys have way higher insurance premiums. So to help with this dilemma, here is CollegeHumor's guide on how to still have the bad boy charm without needlessly risking your life:

 

If there's one thing that the ladies love in a bad boy, it's high-risk, life-threatening behavior. The bad boys of yore street raced, got in knife fights with rival gangs, and, of course, smoked cigarettes (the most dangerous behavior of all).
As a safer alternative, try not owning a case for your iPhone. These days, your phone is your life, so by not owning a protective case, you're basically playing Russian roulette (the most badass nationality of roulette) every time you take your phone out of your pocket. Your soon-to-be smashed phone is bound to get you smashed as well, if you know what I'm saying.

Bad boys are also experts in indifference. They don't need to try hard in school, work, or life, and approach every issue with an apathetic shrug. But let's be real here- you have way too much anxiety to not care about anything important.
So here's a nifty compromise: just don't care about where you go out to dinner. Imagine this: your gal pal asks you if you prefer Thai, Italian, or the new burger place down the street. You lean back on a bare brick wall, put on your leather jacket, look off into the distance and just say "I don't really have a preference. You pick." Bam. Next thing you know, you're skipping dinner and just going straight for dessert, if you know what I'm saying.

When you think of bad boys what else do you think of? Surprises. Nice guys like you are predictable and safe, but bad boys on the other hand are full of excitement and passion.
So how do you surprise your girl? Simple. Learn a little bit of a Ukrainian, just enough to order off a menu or have a basic conversation. Then, when you and your dame are next at the slavic fish market, she'll be shocked when you order traditional yushka in perfect Ukrainian. Before you know it, you'll be like Russia and leading a hostile invasion of her Eastern front, if you know what I'm saying.

Bad boys are only focused on one thing: themselves. They know that they're important, and aren't going to let anything get in the way of that. A bad boy isn't just the center of his universe, he's also every planet, moon, and asteroid belt as well. Bad boys are also really bad at astronomy.
So how do you make yourself a priority? A great suggestion is to treat yourself by taking a solo relaxing spa vacation filled with bubble baths, massages, and mani-pedis. When you come back, your sweet baby is bound to notice how much effort you put into your own happiness. So she'll be sure to give you a happy ending, if you know what I'm saying.

Another key quality of bad boys is their candid and straightforward attitude. Bad boys tell it like it is, and if they get slapped in the face for their opinions, so what? At least they don't tiptoe around what they really think.
So how do you be more direct without getting face-slapped? Easy. Just take more direct flights. You're a man's man, and you don't have time to dilly-dally in the Hudson News in the Philadelphia airport when you just need to get to LaGuardia. You're willing to pay the extra cash to avoid the layover, because, hey, you're worth it. By being this decisive and direct, you're bound to soon be joining the mile-high club, if you know what I'm saying.

What else do women love in a bad boy? Leadership. Whether he's the leader of a motorcycle gang, a mafia gang, a youth gang, or just a regular old gang gang, a bad boy absolutely has to have the respect and admiration of his peers.
Here's how you get in on the action: join your local dodgeball team, then rise through the ranks by backstabbing and double-crossing all your fellow teammates. Before long, you'll have the leadership position you've always craved, but at what cost? Your friends hate you and dodgeball has lost all meaning. But at least you'll have a place to put your balls, if you know what I'm saying.

Now here's a true bad boy quality that even the greats like James Dean and Marlon Brando had. Real bad boys are usually unpleasantly mean people who are too apathetic to have lasting relationships and too useless to ever be a functioning member of society. They only care about other people for sex, and besides that, are just self-centered narcissistic douchebags. Before you know it, you'll be dying alone and unloved in your studio apartment, after which your body will rot for several days before it is discovered by a neighbor complaining about the rancid smell, if you know what I'm saying.